What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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