The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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