i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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