In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
