i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
