It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
