I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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