We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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