So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
