Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
one might say we're banned from that church
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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