mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
