Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
