A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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