I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
