Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
