y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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