I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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