i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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