I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
