You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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