Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize