I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
