how can u be prego again
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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