I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
