I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
