My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i came on her dog
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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