it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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