i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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