So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
