your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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