ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i think i just lost a toe
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
