i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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