I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
