Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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