upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
