Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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