I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
