after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
