I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
