Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
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