You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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