Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize