I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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