What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
