guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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