I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
