Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
