Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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