Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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