I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
