I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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