Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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