Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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