Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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