my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Your cock deserves a montage
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
