Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
