I CAN MOONWALK!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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