He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
