Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hippo gnu deer
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
