upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
